Scene 36 : Threehundredandsixtyfive Days

It took me this long to finally realize that you are crap.
I also wish with all my heart that you go through a very very painful death experience.
Enough said.

And yet I am still writing about you, fascinating huh?
So what does that tell you?

Scene 35 : Possibility Of All Things Opposite

How could a place go dark if there is light?
How could it be silent if there are sounds?
How could thoughts not be spoken when there are words?
How could all of these be true?
How could it not.

Scene 34 : Magnitude Of Forces and Frictions

All this has something in common, it's headed to a specific direction.
And one direction only.

I finally fucking hate you. DEEPLY.

Scene 33 : The Art Of Illustration

I drew this today. Turned out to be not that bad.
After so long of not drawing. I surprised myself.

This is my ultimate favorite. Tried to paint it again. I couldn't.
It was done when I was much much younger, around 11 maybe.

This was something different for me. Experimented with paper mache.
Also done when I was about 11 years old.

I used to draw like crazy. All the time.
Even if its ugly, it made me happy. Somehow.
I love being creative even when I'm not. (:

Scene 32 : Ultimate Point

Broken.
I promise you. My tears won't stop. Everyday will be dark.
I'll cry just as much as I am right now. Truly, I'm sorry.


I care so much and now, I'll disappear.

Scene 31 : Free To Talk?

Do you still love me?
Yes.

Well I love her more. So stop. Let it go, forget me. Everything. Even if I'm not with her anymore, I won't go back to you. I'll move on. I look forward, not backwards. You should too. I will definitely never get back with you. And I want you to know that. I'm not doing this to hurt you, not at all. I just want you to know. I don't want you to wait for me anymore. Please, please. Don't wait for me okay? Just don't. It's not hard to forget me, it's really easy.

And that was the moment a huge part of me died, literally.

Scene 30 : The Next Station

Bought a ticket, heading to the next station.
Starting over. Hoping that I won't revisit this
place. I don't want to. I'm done with all of this.

'And you'll never know how I truly feel about you'

Scene 29 : Retaining Walls

Now, why don't you
just tell me how you
F E E L ?

Scene 28 : Noble Month

I would really love to wish all of you ' HAPPY FASTING '.

Countdown countdown,
A month from today. (:

Scene 27 : A Boy Brushed Red Living In Black And White

I miss a little kid. I miss that childish you. I miss the boy you used to be.

I miss you.

Scene 26 : On The Edge Of One's Seat

Being with you, is like standing in the middle of the road. Right at the center of the divider. With high-speed cars whooshing by on both lanes. Never knowing what could happen. Yet you make something so risky seem so secure. Being with you, is like going on a fast paced car ride. Driving through a straight street and ignoring all those red lights. Never knowing when you're going to stop or which turn you'll take. And you make something thrilling seem so exciting. Being with you, is like taking one of those deathly roller coaster ride. Eyes shut and heart pumping wildly. Never knowing when you're up, down or even sideways. You make something so frightening seem so peaceful. Being with you, makes me feel safe even at the most dangerous places.

Being with you, shows me that life is unpredictable. The same way you left. And yet, being with you was worth it all.

And I'm still holding on, eventhough now you're gone. That's the effect you have on me.

Scene 25 : Press Release

I haven't been updating my blog for quite a while. Either I was just plain lazy, or I really have no clue what to write about. I've been blank lately. I know. (:



1. I'll be changing the style of my blog. Previously, its about love and relationships. More to those poem writings. It'll be much more random now. I'll post about anything and everything, if I'm up to it.

2. I'm so so sorry for my previous post of course. With all the cursing I mean. I guess sometimes we tend to get upset and out of control when all the pressure is on us, and somehow we get so little help from others. But then again, its our fault for being so domineering. When all I could've done was asked for those extra hands. And they'll gladly help me out. Lesson learned.

3. OHMYGOD. Few days ago, almost all of us seniors went crazy. Chaotic I tell you. Well not really, I was just exaggerating. They were announcement posted on the bulletin boards everywhere around school saying that PPD brought forward our trial exam. 17th August. Got us all worried. But we did have fun seeing peoples response to it. Some of them are unforgettable. But then again, all this worrying, we've got ourselves to blame.

4. I've been sleeping with mum the past few days. Dad was away on his business trip.

5. People. They somehow never seem to stop surprising you. Recently I learned that some situations show you the real side of a person. Eventhough I already knew that, I never took it seriously. Till now.

6. Quote of the day.

'' There will be people who will create problems. Treat them as your learning lesson. ''

7. I have this task to be done. An essay on Secrets. Teacher wants us to show her that we're matured in our writing skills. Tough job I tell you. I've been uncreative lately. Haihh. I want my non-stop working mind back.

8. I need to expand the way I think, and put it down on papers. Create some interesting new stuff.

9. Downloaded Picasa. Currently experimenting with it. Obsessed.

10. I feel like talking. Blabbering all day long. All I need is a victim to listen to all those unimportant stories of mine. First person that comes to mind?
Muhammad Aliff Zaini. He never fails to make me smile. Best part of my everyday school life. (:

11. Bought a brand new thumbdrive. 4GB, RM29. Cheap, I know.

12. I miss those times where all I did was draw. Color pencils everywhere.

13. I want a pet rabbit. I miss my old ones.

14. I cam across a new word today, well to me. It sounds so interesting. Ostentatious.

15. Oh I totally forgot to tell you how the carnival went. Amazingly well. Although the process of getting there was hell. All in all, through the yelling, crying and situations full of tension. We had a great time. And in the end, that's all that matters. Only that. (:

16. I really really need to fix my phone. Its driving me crazy.

17. Oh us Luhurians had a greaaaat photoshoot the other day. For our school leavers of course. I'll upload some pictures later.

18. I would really really like to meet Muhamad Aziman. Oh and celebrate his birthday of course. 9th August. Told you I'll remember. =D

19. I want a new excitement. Anything. Life now is apparently quite boring. I wanna meet new friends. Catch up with cousins. God knows how much I miss them. I wanna travel. I want to escape, for now.




20. Finally, I dreamt about him.

Scene 24 : Fired Up

I fucking hate my class.
But I care for only some of them.
And truthfully, I give up now.
I fucking don't care anymore.

Feel like I'm being too rude?

Well, it's just what I feel.
Besides, honesty is the best policy remember.

Scene 23 : So Called High School

Today was one of those crazy days.
It got real hectic at school, and after too.
School leavers, school leavers.
Carnival, carnival. Haihh.
Apparently, we have lots and lots of thinking to do.
And decision makings too.
Hopefully everything turns out well. (:

Scene 22 : Nine Months

'' You can hold on for so long, but after a while it's not worth it. ''

Scene 21 : The Magnificent Adventures Of Heartache

'' Thanks F, for everything. I might not say
it quite often last time, so let me say it now.
You changed me. And you will always, always
remain a big part in my life. Know that I'll be
here if you ever need me. Till we met again
great friend, ILOVEYOUSOMUCH. ''

Let me tell you this ,it was definitely a great ride.
Although it was full of pain and suffering,
Yet its filled with lots of happiness and love.
And it definitely took a lot of energy away.
But it was all worthwhile.
I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.
I'm glad I had the chance to get to know you.
Thanks for everything F.

Finally after exactly nine months,
I accept how things are now.
I've deleted everything about you.
I've made it easier for the both of us.
And this is for the best.

I can finally be happy now.
I already am.

Scene 20 : Changing Lanes

My mind was set to one thing, and one thing only.
That I would never ever forget you.
That I couldn't, that it was hard. Impossible.
I was dead wrong.
If I took all those energy, and changed the goal,
To forgetting you and moving on.
It'll turn out to be a great success.
Don't you agree?
I realize now that I was on the wrong path.
And now, I'm taking a whole new route.
I'm changing lanes.
I'll try all over again.
Even if it'll take up a really really long time,
And all my energy perhaps.
I won't fall off course.
And this is one promise I make.
For you, and more importantly,
For me.

Scene 19 : Uncommonly Asked

Between eternity and history?
I strongly believed that you chose eternity.
But we lost our way. And you ended up choosing history.


and just like that, my wish of spending the rest of
my life with you had gone to waste.

Scene 18 : Something To Believe In

Sometimes everything is great.
Sometimes everything is BULLSHIT.

and sometimes its easier not to hope for anything,
but to expect the worst. sometimes thats better.

Scene 17 : Can't Stop The Rain

I used to wonder for hours, why you left.
I thought of it a moment ago too.
And I think, I know now.
No wait, I'm sure of it.

She really is beautiful, really. I just never
took the time to realize it like you did.

Yet its breaking me apart
to know the truth now,
but I'm glad you're happy.
I've lost my self confidence,
my heart is scattered all over.
It's safe to say, hope is gone.

And maybe, just maybe. It's easier for me to forget you now.
I need to.

Scene 16 : Simultaneously

Lets just say that a lot of drama occurred today.


'' Respect for ourselves guides our morals,
respect for others guides our manners. ''
Chaotic. FIGHTS.
School burst with outrage.
Almost everyone lost it.
One's fault was blamed to others.
The usual.

Elbert Hubbard once said,
'' The love we give away is the only love we keep. ''
And I realized that I gave your love away.
And that your love is still the one I keep.
But I need to let go, yet I can't.
No, I just don't want to.

'' It's not that some people have willpower and some don't.
It's that some people are ready to change and others are not. ''


Well, as you can see, a lot of things happened today. Which suits the title. As everything kind of came simultaneously. First there was the school fight, then the realization of me missing him, and the disappointment of me not trying to change. And let everything be.
But just for a while, all of this went away when two of my friends came over. Farah Diana and Shafiq Hafiz. (:

Scene 15 : Two Years

'' Happy two years of friendship F. ''

I took everything out. All the things that you gave me, I looked at them again.
I wore all the things you gave me. I read everything you wrote me. I glanced
through all the pictures we took. I remembered all the things we did. I realize,
no matter how much I try. It'll always be you. And I know, you're gone.

Just for today, let me say what I want to say.
I LOVE YOU STILL.

I am crying.

Scene 14 : Everything That Is Wrong Seems Right

And this is when I fall
head over heels for you.

Yet a big part of me is afraid, that I'll fall for the wrong guy.

Scene 13 : Anxiety Attack

I had one of those nerve-wrecking moments.
Where it was difficult to breathe. Walking up and down.
Butterflies in the stomach, heart pounding faster than usual.
And just how few minutes seemed like forever to me.
My phone was set to silent mode, right after I sent the message.
Naively thinking that this would lessen my worried feeling.
I was wrong obviously. And so I waited, for an unknown outcome.
Can't you see how extremely terrified I am?
Few minutes passed and then all of a sudden, the phone vibrated.
I stood there with the phone in my hand, fearful.
It took me a while to gather some courage, and finally reading the message.
There it was, the results for PLKN series 7/2010.
I honestly believed that things would not turn out this way, not for me at least.
How relieved was I, really unforeseen. I'm glad. For now.
I did not get in PLKN, thank you.

Scene 12 : Farewell Prodigy

News of an unacceptable truth,
Spreading like wildfire around the globe.
Cries fills the air, sadness seen everywhere.
And at this very moment, time stops.
The whole world feels the pain, mourning.
As a great loss has just occurred.

Even though you're gone, you will be thought of.
For you will always and forever be in our hearts.
You are a legend, the king of pop.
MJ

Scene 11 : Fragile Future

Crap crap crap. Bunch of empty thoughts.
As much as I try to think right now, I just couldn't.
It's like I'm in a coma. Trapped in my own body.
Incapable of sensing or responding to external stimuli and internal needs.
And I started questioning myself, how could I let this happen?
How could I let myself slip this far, lost in darkness.
Trying so hard to put the blame on some innocent individual.
And then it struck me, that deep down I knew who's to blame.
I knew that this was somehow my own doing. And yet I'm still searching.
For that one particular reason, the factor that made me this way.
Help me, guide me. In finding myself again. I need to wake up.
I need to regain conscious.

I've been lost for years now, didn't you notice?

Scene 10 : Kindly Unspoken

What would you say to that special someone,
if this was the last time you'll ever meet?

stay.

Scene 9 : If I Could Change The Currents Of Our Lives

I've been running my whole life, to a destination of the unknown. Simply because I can't face the truth. What's here and what's not. Maybe a big part of me doesn't want to. I'm pretty sure of that. And sometimes everything that is wrong for me, feels so right. I hold on to things that I know wasn't meant to be from the beginning. I'm stubborn in so many ways, purposely denying every true facts. I was so afraid, still am. But look at where it has brought me. Nowhere.

'' don't live a life of fear. don't be scared. honestly, you're that
type. afraid of everything. but if you live that way, it'll bring you
nowhere. and you'll just end up with nothing. only a broken heart.
when maybe if you were braver, you could have gotten everything ''

Scene 8 : The First Cut Is The Deepest

I can't think. I don't feel a thing. I feel everything. I feel pain.
I'm extra extra mad. I'm really sad. I'm losing my mind. I'm confused.
I don't understand. I'm lost. I want to cry. I want to scream. I'm empty.
I can't speak. I can't move. I'm weak. I'm suffering. I want to stop.
I want to let go. I want to forget. I want to disappear.

Worst part is, everything stated above,
I let it happen to myself.

Scene 7 : Double A

A great listener, a great friend.
Awesome late night talks and chats.
I miss you quite a lot,
A. Amanina

Scene 6 : Half A Year

From your Sister,

Having a brother like you
has taught me a lot of things...
That laughter is good for the spirit.
That forgiveness is good for the soul.
That relationship are very resilient.
That sisters might as well be,
if they want to survive.
That time really does fly.
That memories improve with age.
That people can surprise you.
(and not just by jumping out from behind doors)
Having a brother like you has taught me that life is amazing,
Love is enduring,
And family is forever.

Happy Twenty-first Birthday Brother.

Scene 5 : Same Old Routine

Dramas, heartbreaks, and all sorts of high school problem.
Everything begins again.
Tomorrow.

Scene 4 : Counting The Days

244 days, 8 months
Since you've been away.

'' And I blame you for all my failures.
And I know that you think that you
have to do this today...but I don't want
you too. But I guess...if I love you,
I should let you move on ''
- 17 Again

Scene 3 : Six Letters, One Word

'' Sometimes all we need is a reminder
of what we have and forever will ''

And when it gets tough,
you can always fall back on them.
FAMILY

Scene 2 : Epilogue Prologue

Another day begins.
Sad but happy, happy but sad.
Surrounded by confusion.
Extremely scared and also excited.
Anxious for whats to come.
As the future isn't always certain, unpredictable.
The beginning of an ending.

And when my eyes are shut,
Flashback of our memories occur.
With so many words and feelings left untold,
How can I just forget and go?
But then again, I'm a good pretender.
Maybe this is for the best.
Maybe its not our time.
As I open them again and my vision becomes clear,
I'll see the world from a different perspective.
This time, its without you.
And so I gather all my strength and face it,
Alone.

Its time for a change,
For both you and me.
A new dawn awaits us.

Scene 1 : Curtain Close

As I stood there, spotlight on me.
Silence in the audience.

'' All this while I never told you how I felt. I kept it a secret for so long. But now I can no longer hold it in. I know that I don't have the right to do this as you already have another. But just for tonight, let me speak. Just listen. I promise you this will be the last time. I'm mad at you because you meant the world to me, and I always had you to count on. I always had you to talk to. But now, I don't have anyone. And even if I try talking to others, they wouldn't understand. They don't know me like you do. But I never hated you. In fact, everyday I love you more. Do you believe me? I know, it doesn't matter now. Everything is gone, you're gone. And what you ask from me now, I can't do it. I can't just be a friend to you. It hurts too much. This needs to stop, I can't hurt myself anymore. But I want you to be happy. Please forget me, everything. Maybe its better for the both of us to be strangers, for now. So I've decided, I'm letting you go.

But who am I kidding right. You know I'll never truly let you go. I promised you long ago that I'll love you always and forever. Just remember that whenever you feel like coming back, I'll be here waiting. Even if it takes years. I promise. So our story has finally come to an end. Till we meet again. Goodbye. ''

I fell on my knees as the last word was spoken.
Emotions took over me, I lost control.
Tears poured down endlessly.
Applause was heard. And I looked up.
I got the standing ovation.
The show was a success, but why do I feel broken?
At that very moment I knew.
No, I understood. Everything i gained means nothing without you.
And so the curtain finally closes.

Backstage I was congratulated by many.
And was told that it was my best performance.
To them I was just acting, to me it was real.
Never did I have to do a play that was so similar to my life.
And truthfully, it was the hardest act I had to pull off.

Dedicated to, F.